Beauty in the Dirt

It’s okay Let the tears fall Let them wash away All the bleeding from your open wounds Let them fall And clear your sight It’s okay Let the old dreams die Let them burn up in smoke They’re kindling For the fire of who you are becoming It’s okay Let your heart beat Let the pain pulse through Let it remind you That you’re still alive And you still have living to do It’s okay Let the child in you Cry, feel lost, reach out, look for safety Grab her hand Reach for God Let him love you Like you’ve always longed to be loved It’s okay Let yourself break Your protective shell was too small For the beauty of your soul To stay inside

Dear Church, You were my home. The place I learned to walk and talk The place I Learned your language, your mannerisms The way you feel, the way you smell The place I Was at home The place I Was safe, was fine Until Until I wasn’t, Because I wasn’t just comfortable with you I was devout. I wasn’t just at home with you I was entranced by you. And somewhere along the way The language, the mannerisms,  The way you feel, the way you smell Became a prison And not a home. You had room for the parts of me That knew the language, the mannerisms The way to feel, the way to smell But when other parts began to spill out… Lines were drawn And there were parts of me… important parts That were on the wrong side Parts of me I’d kept So repressed that I didn’t even believe I had them Parts of me that I Hated so much, they Quietly hid themselves, until My body grew tired of Stunting my growth So I could fit, so I could belong.

“What do you believe?” Is a question I am asked more and more these days. People can see a difference in me. They want to know where I stand. Am I a Christian, or not? Am I in, or am I out? What is my most truthful answer? I don’t know. And I’m becoming more and more comfortable in that space. I didn’t use to be. I was confident in my beliefs and assumed that was the only way a Christian could be.   What changed? I did a Christian thing and moved overseas to be a missionary for six years.   Guess what happened? It challenged the way I saw the world.   I left my home country and moved to a foreign one, burning with passion and desire to show people the truth. I KNEW I had the answers to their questions.   I never once dreamed that they might begin to inspire me to start asking my own questions... or that those questions might just be the best thing to ever happen to me. I thought I was bringing Jesus to them... turns out, they were Jesus in disguise. Wha