Brielle's Birth Story
I posted this on facebook, but here it is for anyone else who wants to see it.
PART ONE: MY VBAC JOURNEY
“Hours past as we were left alone all night to watch our baby’s heart rate rise and fall…” My first birth experience was a traumatic one. We were in a foreign country where we didn’t speak the language. My baby was in distress. We were alone. Nurses came in and out throughout the night, but only long enough to tell us that our baby was not ok, and then left us alone to process what that could possibly mean. Labour ended after 12 hours in an emergency C-section where I was put to sleep and didn’t see my son until hours after he was born. And after it all ended, the doctor told me, “I really don’t think you are big enough to have children naturally.”
I was so very grateful for God’s protection and presence with me during that scary night, but what I wasn’t prepared for was the depression that came afterward. I didn’t pinpoint I had experienced postpartum depression until this year when I was recounting the events. I never thought giving birth would be so scary, and I never thought my body wouldn’t be “capable” of giving birth properly. It was devastating to me.
Two years later Drew and I started praying about having a second child. I had succumbed to the fact that I’d probably have to have another C-section, but was acutely aware of the fact that having many repeat C-sections could limit the amount of children I could have. If there was an alternative, I wanted to find it. I started asking around, and a midwife gave me a book called Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. I started reading it and was astounded to find out that there was really no medical reason for me not to have a VBAC… not only that, it was safer for me to VBAC than to have a repeat cesarian! The second thing that I was made aware of, and was moved to tears to find out, was the fact that it is extremely uncommon for a woman to be too small to give birth naturally to her own baby. As I read, I became more and more excited. I wrote down in my journal, and re-read almost every day:
“Remember this, for as true as true gets: your body is not a lemon. You are not a machine. The Creator is not a careless mechanic.” - Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth, p 141
I. am. not. a. lemon. I can do this.
And so my journey began. We were absolutely thrilled to find out I was pregnant with our daughter, just after my 26th birthday. She was due just ten days after Aaron’s third birthday.
I started praying and researching to find a VBAC supportive midwife and had everything set up to be in Canada with my family… only to realize afterward that both Drew’s and my parents would be in Florida the time I was due! Since our healthcare plan came out of the States anyway, we decided to look into having the baby in Florida to be with family. I found out very quickly that Florida has one of the highest cesarian rates in the country, and most of the hospitals there would not even consider a VBAC but would automatically schedule a C-section. Furthermore, it was ILLEGAL to have a VBAC at a birthing center, but somehow still legal to have a home-birth VBAC. This was getting complicated.
I continued to pray and ask for guidance and started searching the internet. I stumbled upon an ICAN (International Cesarian Awareness Network) support group on Facebook for the Tampa Bay area and joined it. From there I found a hospital that had an 85% success rate for VBACs and a group of midwives that worked in the hospital. Things were starting to fall into place.
My pregnancy was healthy. Everything was good. But I kept having flashbacks of my previous birth. What if the baby got stuck again? Aaron was posterior. What if this baby was posterior? I asked my doctor in China if she thought the baby was posterior. She wasn’t sure but said there wasn’t really anything I could do if it was. More fear. More breakdowns. Could I do this?
Before I left for Canada I was made aware of a website called spinningbabies.com and found out that it is possible to help turn the baby around if it’s in a bad position. One of the options was chiropractic care. I was having terrible back pain and was feeling the baby’s feet in my front, and I was starting to panic. I went back to Canada, and the Lord literally directed me to a chiropractor who was skilled in turning babies around. My back immediately started feeling better, and I could feel the baby getting into proper position. I know God was guiding my every step.
We arrived in Florida and I started seeing the midwife. I realized after the first visit that though they were very VBAC supportive, I wouldn't meet the midwife who delivers my baby ahead of time and they would not play an active role in my labour. One thing I had learned in my research was how key of a role your mental state plays in labour. I knew I needed a support person to help me stay positive. So three weeks before my due date I started searching for a doula. I posted a message on the ICAN Facebook page in hopes there might be a doula in the area who would take someone on short notice. I woke up the next morning to over 20 responses! It was a bit overwhelming, but after a lot of research and prayer, and several interviews, we finally found Emily, who was extremely knowledgeable and encouraged me from the moment that I met her that I was made for this.
I had worked hard. I did everything I knew to do to set myself up for a positive birth experience. But I was still afraid.
A week before my due date I prayed together with Drew and his mom. I realized I was believing lies. I believed my last birth experience said something about me as a woman. That I was “less” of a woman because I couldn’t do what a woman was made to do. I believed I didn’t measure up. I was incapable. I wasn’t ENOUGH. And I think a lot of women who have had births ending in unwanted C-sections end up having similar thoughts about themselves.
But that night God met me where I was, and I was reminded of this verse:
“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My form was not hidden from you when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.” - Ps 139:13-15
He created my body to be able to carry and give birth to children. I stood on that promise. I held onto it for dear life.
PART TWO: LABOUR AND DELIVERY
My due date came and went, which I was prepared for this time (Aaron was 10 days overdue). Then the prodromal labour started. I’d have contractions for hours, and then they’d stop. It happened three times. It reminded me of Aaron’s birth. I started panicking again. I texted Emily over and over, and over and over she provided me with solid information and encouragement that this was NOT my first birth happening all over again, and I WAS CREATED TO DO THIS.
Baby girl never dropped, and I never dilated past one centimeter until five days after my due date, when I finally went into labour and stayed in labour. Contractions started at 9pm, but I was trying not to hold my breath. They continued to get stronger so at 2am we moved Aaron to my parents’ bus at the church where they were ministering, and my mom went with us to a hotel 45 minutes away, close to the hospital.
That’s when the adventure started. The GPS led us to a dead-end instead of the highway. If that wasn’t stressful enough, once we finally got to the hotel, guess what? No front desk (it was privately own) and it was totally full! So we started going down our list of hotels the hospital recommended. Every. Single. One. FULL! We were starting to feel a bit like Mary and Joseph! Emily came to our rescue and started calling hotels that popped up on her GPS. She called about 20 hotels before one finally said they had a room. Drew called to confirm, and the guy recanted his statement… “Sorry no room.” CLICK. He hung up! Drew called back. He hung up on him again! Emily called and tried to confirm. Halfway through giving her credit card information he hung up again! If we had any other option we would have taken it, but unfortunately we didn’t! Let’s not forget I was sitting in a car for this entire time trying to focus on getting through contractions! So we went to the hotel in hopes that there was something available (and hopefully something better than a stable… haha). Luckily when we got there, there was a room. Drew asked for the manager to complain, and of course it turned out it was a family-owned business… so no one was getting fired… haha!
I labored with Drew, my mom, and Emily in the hotel room until about 11am. Emily was incredible, diffusing essential oils, massaging, using the heat back and ribozo, helping with positioning, and coaching me through my contractions. Drew held onto me and told me over and over how amazing I was and how good I was doing. There was so much peace.
We moved over to the hospital where I labored for the next fourteen hours. I was four centimeters dilated when we got there, and my water broke shortly after. I had worship music playing, and so much support from my mom, husband and doula. Even though it was long and hard, I felt so much grace and peace.
At about 4pm they checked me and I was 7 centimeters. Progress! At this rate I’d probably have the baby by dinner time! I continued to labour until 8pm. Contractions had consistently been about 2 minutes apart and were pretty heavy. I was getting tired, and was sleeping between contractions. I woke up a bit before 8 and in my dazed state was acutely aware of the worship song that was playing. The words “I am yours, I am yours, all my days, Jesus I am yours” were penetrating my heart, and I noticed that everyone else in the room was worshiping along with it. I could feel God’s presence and peace. I was going to need it.
They checked me at 8pm and there was no change. At all. Baby was not coming down, I was not progressing, and on top of it all, her heart rate was starting to becoming irregular. Flashbacks of my first birth experience predominated my vision, and I lost all motivation to keep trying. I had handled all my contractions well until that point, but after that I couldn’t handle them. I wanted them to stop. I wanted my baby out. Everything was turning out exactly the same as before. I just knew I wasn’t going to be able to have this baby naturally. And I wanted to call it quits. NOW.
My contractions started slowing down (probably from sheer exhaustion). The midwife came in and suggested putting me on pitocin. I could not imagine dealing with any stronger contractions than what I was already trying to get through. I asked for a minute to think about things. And the only thing that I could think of was, “You’re gonna end up with a C-section anyway… the baby’s not coming down. You can’t do this. Just ask for it now and get it over with!” And with that, the battle in my mind was lost. I started begging for a C-section. I had a whole list of Scriptures I had given to my doula and mom to read to me when I felt like giving up. My mom read the whole list to me. It didn’t move me. She asked me if I wanted her to read them again. Of course I didn’t. I wanted out! I had completely stopped thinking clearly. Drew and Emily came in and tried to convince me to change my mind. I was sure I was reliving my last experience and there was nothing that was going to change that. I couldn’t see past those frightening memories anymore, and nine months of working tirelessly to see a different outcome didn’t matter anymore. I knew my body just wasn’t cut out for this.
Drew and Emily left to consult with the midwife. I continued to beg my mom for a C-section. Drew came back in and asked me if I would consider having an epidural along with pitocin. “Will I feel anything?” “No, you’ll be completely numb from the hips down.” “I’m in.” HAHA! Drew, Emily, and my mom all breathed a sigh of relief!. They were so glad I was so easy to convince! I had the epidural and started thinking clearly again. And I was able to SLEEP! I realized that despite how against interventions I was, at that moment it was exactly the right thing to do.
The nurses kept coming in and changing my position to try to keep the baby’s heart rate from continuing to fall (something that they did NOT do with Aaron… I was told to lay on my back for the entire labour). A couple hours later my amniotic fluid was getting low. I thought again that was the cue for me to get a C-section, as in most other settings that’s probably what they would have suggested. But the midwife came back and said they could just put some back in and I could keep labouring! Looking back now I am so very grateful that I was in a hospital with a group of people that were so set on my success.
At around 2 o’ clock Monday morning I was feeling some pain. I thought my epidural wasn’t working. I asked the nurse, and they checked me and told me I was fully dilated and it was time to push! I couldn’t believe it was happening. It all felt surreal. The midwife told me, “The baby is not going to tolerate a long time of pushing, so you need to get this baby out as quickly as you can.” It scared me that a C-section could be so imminent after working so hard, but by that point my fear had turned into determination. I had made it this far, I was going to get this baby out! Drew stood beside me, shaking and praying under his breath. Everyone stood around me encouraging me and cheering me on. And after pushing just a few times with all my strength and energy SHE WAS HERE. She was on my chest. She was breathing and healthy. She was beautiful. She was perfect. She was worth it all.
Tears filled our eyes as we held our beautiful daughter close. Every fear, every prayer, all the hard work, every bit of pain, it all led to this beautiful, perfect moment. We had a different name picked out for her, but the moment we saw her we knew her name was “Brielle.” Brielle means “God is my strength.” He had been my strength in every weak moment in my journey to bring her into this world.
In every circumstance during my pregnancy with her I was reminded to lean into Him, not just concerning her birth, but in many other difficult situations that were taking place at the time. He has proved Himself trustworthy time and time again. Brielle will be a month old tomorrow and every time I look at her I am reminded that He is my strength when I am weak. In my lowest moments I just look at her and He reminds me of His character. I am so thankful.
PART THREE: WHAT I’VE LEARNED
I hope this is an encouragement to anyone who is considering a VBAC or even just a more natural approach to birthing. Here are some of the things that I learned in this process:
- Research well. Read lots. Know your options.
- Find a place to give birth that has a high percentage of vaginal births (80-90%)
- Get a doula for emotional and informational support.
- Prepare physically and mentally. Know what you’re capable of.
- Have a birth plan, but realize that deviating from it does not mean failure.
- Sometimes interventions are necessary. Know when they are and when they aren’t. Don’t be afraid to refuse unnecessary interventions, but realize what a blessing they are when you need them!
- Success is a healthy baby :)
Some of the resources that greatly influenced me and helped me:
- Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin
- The Business of Being Born (Documentary)
- www.spinningbabies.com
- ICAN support groups
- Chiropractic care (in my case, specifically the Webster Technique, used to help turn babies)
Two years later Drew and I started praying about having a second child. I had succumbed to the fact that I’d probably have to have another C-section, but was acutely aware of the fact that having many repeat C-sections could limit the amount of children I could have. If there was an alternative, I wanted to find it. I started asking around, and a midwife gave me a book called Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. I started reading it and was astounded to find out that there was really no medical reason for me not to have a VBAC… not only that, it was safer for me to VBAC than to have a repeat cesarian! The second thing that I was made aware of, and was moved to tears to find out, was the fact that it is extremely uncommon for a woman to be too small to give birth naturally to her own baby. As I read, I became more and more excited. I wrote down in my journal, and re-read almost every day:
“Remember this, for as true as true gets: your body is not a lemon. You are not a machine. The Creator is not a careless mechanic.” - Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth, p 141
I. am. not. a. lemon. I can do this.
And so my journey began. We were absolutely thrilled to find out I was pregnant with our daughter, just after my 26th birthday. She was due just ten days after Aaron’s third birthday.
I started praying and researching to find a VBAC supportive midwife and had everything set up to be in Canada with my family… only to realize afterward that both Drew’s and my parents would be in Florida the time I was due! Since our healthcare plan came out of the States anyway, we decided to look into having the baby in Florida to be with family. I found out very quickly that Florida has one of the highest cesarian rates in the country, and most of the hospitals there would not even consider a VBAC but would automatically schedule a C-section. Furthermore, it was ILLEGAL to have a VBAC at a birthing center, but somehow still legal to have a home-birth VBAC. This was getting complicated.
I continued to pray and ask for guidance and started searching the internet. I stumbled upon an ICAN (International Cesarian Awareness Network) support group on Facebook for the Tampa Bay area and joined it. From there I found a hospital that had an 85% success rate for VBACs and a group of midwives that worked in the hospital. Things were starting to fall into place.
My pregnancy was healthy. Everything was good. But I kept having flashbacks of my previous birth. What if the baby got stuck again? Aaron was posterior. What if this baby was posterior? I asked my doctor in China if she thought the baby was posterior. She wasn’t sure but said there wasn’t really anything I could do if it was. More fear. More breakdowns. Could I do this?
Before I left for Canada I was made aware of a website called spinningbabies.com and found out that it is possible to help turn the baby around if it’s in a bad position. One of the options was chiropractic care. I was having terrible back pain and was feeling the baby’s feet in my front, and I was starting to panic. I went back to Canada, and the Lord literally directed me to a chiropractor who was skilled in turning babies around. My back immediately started feeling better, and I could feel the baby getting into proper position. I know God was guiding my every step.
We arrived in Florida and I started seeing the midwife. I realized after the first visit that though they were very VBAC supportive, I wouldn't meet the midwife who delivers my baby ahead of time and they would not play an active role in my labour. One thing I had learned in my research was how key of a role your mental state plays in labour. I knew I needed a support person to help me stay positive. So three weeks before my due date I started searching for a doula. I posted a message on the ICAN Facebook page in hopes there might be a doula in the area who would take someone on short notice. I woke up the next morning to over 20 responses! It was a bit overwhelming, but after a lot of research and prayer, and several interviews, we finally found Emily, who was extremely knowledgeable and encouraged me from the moment that I met her that I was made for this.
I had worked hard. I did everything I knew to do to set myself up for a positive birth experience. But I was still afraid.
A week before my due date I prayed together with Drew and his mom. I realized I was believing lies. I believed my last birth experience said something about me as a woman. That I was “less” of a woman because I couldn’t do what a woman was made to do. I believed I didn’t measure up. I was incapable. I wasn’t ENOUGH. And I think a lot of women who have had births ending in unwanted C-sections end up having similar thoughts about themselves.
But that night God met me where I was, and I was reminded of this verse:
“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My form was not hidden from you when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.” - Ps 139:13-15
He created my body to be able to carry and give birth to children. I stood on that promise. I held onto it for dear life.
PART TWO: LABOUR AND DELIVERY
My due date came and went, which I was prepared for this time (Aaron was 10 days overdue). Then the prodromal labour started. I’d have contractions for hours, and then they’d stop. It happened three times. It reminded me of Aaron’s birth. I started panicking again. I texted Emily over and over, and over and over she provided me with solid information and encouragement that this was NOT my first birth happening all over again, and I WAS CREATED TO DO THIS.
Baby girl never dropped, and I never dilated past one centimeter until five days after my due date, when I finally went into labour and stayed in labour. Contractions started at 9pm, but I was trying not to hold my breath. They continued to get stronger so at 2am we moved Aaron to my parents’ bus at the church where they were ministering, and my mom went with us to a hotel 45 minutes away, close to the hospital.
That’s when the adventure started. The GPS led us to a dead-end instead of the highway. If that wasn’t stressful enough, once we finally got to the hotel, guess what? No front desk (it was privately own) and it was totally full! So we started going down our list of hotels the hospital recommended. Every. Single. One. FULL! We were starting to feel a bit like Mary and Joseph! Emily came to our rescue and started calling hotels that popped up on her GPS. She called about 20 hotels before one finally said they had a room. Drew called to confirm, and the guy recanted his statement… “Sorry no room.” CLICK. He hung up! Drew called back. He hung up on him again! Emily called and tried to confirm. Halfway through giving her credit card information he hung up again! If we had any other option we would have taken it, but unfortunately we didn’t! Let’s not forget I was sitting in a car for this entire time trying to focus on getting through contractions! So we went to the hotel in hopes that there was something available (and hopefully something better than a stable… haha). Luckily when we got there, there was a room. Drew asked for the manager to complain, and of course it turned out it was a family-owned business… so no one was getting fired… haha!
I labored with Drew, my mom, and Emily in the hotel room until about 11am. Emily was incredible, diffusing essential oils, massaging, using the heat back and ribozo, helping with positioning, and coaching me through my contractions. Drew held onto me and told me over and over how amazing I was and how good I was doing. There was so much peace.
We moved over to the hospital where I labored for the next fourteen hours. I was four centimeters dilated when we got there, and my water broke shortly after. I had worship music playing, and so much support from my mom, husband and doula. Even though it was long and hard, I felt so much grace and peace.
At about 4pm they checked me and I was 7 centimeters. Progress! At this rate I’d probably have the baby by dinner time! I continued to labour until 8pm. Contractions had consistently been about 2 minutes apart and were pretty heavy. I was getting tired, and was sleeping between contractions. I woke up a bit before 8 and in my dazed state was acutely aware of the worship song that was playing. The words “I am yours, I am yours, all my days, Jesus I am yours” were penetrating my heart, and I noticed that everyone else in the room was worshiping along with it. I could feel God’s presence and peace. I was going to need it.
They checked me at 8pm and there was no change. At all. Baby was not coming down, I was not progressing, and on top of it all, her heart rate was starting to becoming irregular. Flashbacks of my first birth experience predominated my vision, and I lost all motivation to keep trying. I had handled all my contractions well until that point, but after that I couldn’t handle them. I wanted them to stop. I wanted my baby out. Everything was turning out exactly the same as before. I just knew I wasn’t going to be able to have this baby naturally. And I wanted to call it quits. NOW.
My contractions started slowing down (probably from sheer exhaustion). The midwife came in and suggested putting me on pitocin. I could not imagine dealing with any stronger contractions than what I was already trying to get through. I asked for a minute to think about things. And the only thing that I could think of was, “You’re gonna end up with a C-section anyway… the baby’s not coming down. You can’t do this. Just ask for it now and get it over with!” And with that, the battle in my mind was lost. I started begging for a C-section. I had a whole list of Scriptures I had given to my doula and mom to read to me when I felt like giving up. My mom read the whole list to me. It didn’t move me. She asked me if I wanted her to read them again. Of course I didn’t. I wanted out! I had completely stopped thinking clearly. Drew and Emily came in and tried to convince me to change my mind. I was sure I was reliving my last experience and there was nothing that was going to change that. I couldn’t see past those frightening memories anymore, and nine months of working tirelessly to see a different outcome didn’t matter anymore. I knew my body just wasn’t cut out for this.
Drew and Emily left to consult with the midwife. I continued to beg my mom for a C-section. Drew came back in and asked me if I would consider having an epidural along with pitocin. “Will I feel anything?” “No, you’ll be completely numb from the hips down.” “I’m in.” HAHA! Drew, Emily, and my mom all breathed a sigh of relief!. They were so glad I was so easy to convince! I had the epidural and started thinking clearly again. And I was able to SLEEP! I realized that despite how against interventions I was, at that moment it was exactly the right thing to do.
The nurses kept coming in and changing my position to try to keep the baby’s heart rate from continuing to fall (something that they did NOT do with Aaron… I was told to lay on my back for the entire labour). A couple hours later my amniotic fluid was getting low. I thought again that was the cue for me to get a C-section, as in most other settings that’s probably what they would have suggested. But the midwife came back and said they could just put some back in and I could keep labouring! Looking back now I am so very grateful that I was in a hospital with a group of people that were so set on my success.
At around 2 o’ clock Monday morning I was feeling some pain. I thought my epidural wasn’t working. I asked the nurse, and they checked me and told me I was fully dilated and it was time to push! I couldn’t believe it was happening. It all felt surreal. The midwife told me, “The baby is not going to tolerate a long time of pushing, so you need to get this baby out as quickly as you can.” It scared me that a C-section could be so imminent after working so hard, but by that point my fear had turned into determination. I had made it this far, I was going to get this baby out! Drew stood beside me, shaking and praying under his breath. Everyone stood around me encouraging me and cheering me on. And after pushing just a few times with all my strength and energy SHE WAS HERE. She was on my chest. She was breathing and healthy. She was beautiful. She was perfect. She was worth it all.
Tears filled our eyes as we held our beautiful daughter close. Every fear, every prayer, all the hard work, every bit of pain, it all led to this beautiful, perfect moment. We had a different name picked out for her, but the moment we saw her we knew her name was “Brielle.” Brielle means “God is my strength.” He had been my strength in every weak moment in my journey to bring her into this world.
In every circumstance during my pregnancy with her I was reminded to lean into Him, not just concerning her birth, but in many other difficult situations that were taking place at the time. He has proved Himself trustworthy time and time again. Brielle will be a month old tomorrow and every time I look at her I am reminded that He is my strength when I am weak. In my lowest moments I just look at her and He reminds me of His character. I am so thankful.
PART THREE: WHAT I’VE LEARNED
I hope this is an encouragement to anyone who is considering a VBAC or even just a more natural approach to birthing. Here are some of the things that I learned in this process:
- Research well. Read lots. Know your options.
- Find a place to give birth that has a high percentage of vaginal births (80-90%)
- Get a doula for emotional and informational support.
- Prepare physically and mentally. Know what you’re capable of.
- Have a birth plan, but realize that deviating from it does not mean failure.
- Sometimes interventions are necessary. Know when they are and when they aren’t. Don’t be afraid to refuse unnecessary interventions, but realize what a blessing they are when you need them!
- Success is a healthy baby :)
Some of the resources that greatly influenced me and helped me:
- Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin
- The Business of Being Born (Documentary)
- www.spinningbabies.com
- ICAN support groups
- Chiropractic care (in my case, specifically the Webster Technique, used to help turn babies)
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