Fish Out of Water

We left Canada 23 hours earlier. Our last meal was Tim Hortons sandwiches and doughnuts, that we had barely made it on the plane to buy. We got off the plane at 2am. All eight of our bags safely arrived, and I breathed an audible sigh of relief. We walked out of the baggage claim and were immediately swarmed by “black” (unlicensed) cab drivers yelling “Bus! Bus!” and “Where you going?” and talking amongst themselves about how we must not understand since we weren’t responding. There was no interim. No shallow end. One moment we were eating sandwiches, and the next we had dove in headfirst into this swirling, strange, familiar place that we called home. We were back in China.

Jet lag came crashing in, and 3am “Frozen” and “Kung Fu Panda” parties commenced (life with a three-year-old). Tim Hortons doughnuts that didn’t take a second thought, only hours ago, suddenly bombarded my brain, and taunted me tirelessly. Just twenty-four hours ago they were a five-minute-walk away. After hours of kids movies, the sun came up and I took a shower. The water pooled under my feet. Oh right, we have bad plumbing. I opened the cupboard to stockpiled canned goods from the import store, and a cockroach ran for cover. I died inside (NONE of these things would happen in PERFECT CANADA!).

Funny how culture shock makes you think ridiculous things like that. Like there are no cockroaches in Canada. Or that we’ve never had anything break before. And how small things suddenly become GIANT, UNSOLVABLE problems.

I went grocery shopping the next day. I got on my electric scooter and joined the chaos on the road—cars; people (so…many…people); scooters; three wheeled bike carts full of garbage, plants, animals, food etc; horses with old wooden carts; giant trucks with billowing black smoke trailing behind them; and every other form of transportation you could think of. I mechanically swerved in and out of traffic, almost getting hit several times, but I didn’t notice that. I was well acquainted with the roads, the sights, and the patterns. Even after months away, amidst a million other thoughts, I effortlessly put away my Canadian driving skills, and transformed into my former, China-self, (the one that realizes traffic is flows like water, not wood). But the sea of faces was overwhelming. Though I had automatically submerged myself into that sea of faces, I was suddenly acutely aware that I did not blend in to this chaotic rhythm (The constant stares, blatant picture taking, and people yelling “FOREIGNER!” everywhere I went was also a fairly vivid reminder… haha). It was all so familiar and outlandish at the same time. Like I was in a bizarre dream I’d dreamed before.

I was accustomed to the plethora of odors, and the stark reality of seeing mangled, wild-eyed beggars on the side of the road, some carrying malnourished, bony children, whom I felt every emotion of stunned, helpless, and overwhelmed about when I looked at them. I was familiar with the open sewer holes I had to swerve to avoid, next to giant six story malls filled with Gucci and Prada stores. I remembered the dirty, toothless garbage collectors with small children with matted hair and tattered clothing in tow, and the stark contrast of the extremely wealthy business people with hollow, empty eyes walking right next to them. But each familiar reality jarred me to the core.

Four-and-a-half months away and now “home” felt like the most distant and unfamiliar place on earth. To be honest, even after five years of calling this place home, culture shock hit me as hard as the first day I arrived. What on earth was I doing on the other side of the earth?

I cried out to God, who LOVES this place, and LOVES these people, and LOVES me. Immediately James 1:2-4 came to mind. It’s been coming up a lot lately in my spirit.

Count it all JOY, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

I’ve read this many times… but the word “joy” is the one that stands out. In Romans 5 it says we can “rejoice” when we have difficulties.

How do you get excited about hard times?

I’ve gone through some hard times during my five years in China. Harder than feeling like a fish out of water. I’ve felt aching despair and hopelessness, stress, gripping fear, anxiety, and hollow loneliness. In the deepest moments of darkness and confusion I heard Father’s voice so clearly saying not to run… there is purpose in pain. And I learned to trust Him in the valley of the shadow of death… because it’s there that we have the opportunity to realize in a deep, powerful way that HE IS WITH US.

God reminded me of a particularly difficult circumstance, and the character it built in me. While I was still going through it I was thanking Him profusely, over and over for allowing me to go through such pain, because I saw myself with new eyes, and grew more in character than I ever had.

It dawned on me that this was another opportunity. An opportunity for JOY. I began thanking God for the privilege to live in this beautiful country full of people who are hungry for something real and true. I thanked him that I had been entrusted with Hope, and had been given such an incredible opportunity to encounter so many who were crying out for Hope. Suddenly, I began to see all the things I LOVE about this country. The beautiful smiles. The countless wonderful people who have taken me in and had so much patience with me and my bumbling attempts to speak their language and learn their culture. Simple things like the delicious fruit, and blooming flowers. The incredible traditions and heritage that is still an important part of Chinese culture.

The cockroaches continued to creep through my apartment, but they didn’t rule over me anymore. This country… this beautiful, peculiar, intricate, amazing country, will be my home until and unless He leads me and my family somewhere else. And I am so thankful for the growing opportunities it has given me, for the profound lessons its beautiful people have taught me, and for the person it has made me.